“I'd
Do Anything to Please"
Leanne, a twenty-eight-year-old receptionist from Olympia, was soft-spoken
and extremely sweet. “I’ve been feeling a loss of self-esteem because
of my weight. I go to school full-time and work part-time. I’m majoring
in accounting but it wasn’t my first choice. I don’t like my job.
I don’t eat right or exercise right. I’m not very assertive. It takes
a lot of arm-twisting to get me to go to a party, then I just go off
and sit in a corner. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with
people. Friends tell me I’m an introvert.
“My parents divorced when I was in the second grade. Like most kids
my age, I thought it was my fault. I chose to live with my dad in
another state, and I left my sister, Kate, with my mom. For the past
ten years Kate has refused to talk to me. We were very close. Every
time I talk about her, I cry. I’m sorry. There are two half siblings.
At times they feel like my children because they’re so much younger.
I was there to help my dad financially and to take care of the kids.
“I was married once. To a jerk who put me down. He never worked and
I supported him. I’ve managed to remove anything which reminded me
of him. I don’t want to feel I’m still supporting a freeloader.
“Most of the time I’m unhappy. Mostly with my weight. But no matter
how much I’ve weighed I’ve still been unhappy. I wish I could be more
assertive. If someone asks me to do something, I just jump and do
it, then I get mad at myself. I guess I just want to feel needed.
Pleasing my mom was the only way I made her happy. She was only happy
with me when I was doing things for her. It hurt that mom didn’t accept
me, especially because it was so obvious that she loved my sister
more than me. We were latchkey kids. I shared a bed with my mom. My
sister had her own room. [When I was] thirteen [my sister and I] decided
to move out and live with my dad. While I was packing I found out
that my mother wouldn’t let my sister come with me. It was very traumatic.
“My stepmother told me to lie about my half siblings so she and my
father wouldn’t have to send more money to my mother. I kept the secret
for years. I’m resigned that my mother never loved me. My sister won’t
even talk to me. I feel very, very hurt. I keep trying to contact
her but she won’t talk to me. I feel like I want to go forward, but
I don’t know how. People say I’m fun but I don’t see why.
“I would most like to learn to accept myself. I feel like other people
see me as a wallflower. I typically get called by other people’s names.
I’d gained about seventy-five pounds around the time I moved out on
my own and I’m still overweight. I mostly stay at home. All my books
are there, so I’m safe. Nothing can happen there that I don’t let
happen. I’m happy that I’m not in an intimate relationship. Sometimes
it’s lonely, but I don’t have to share my space with anybody.”
A worrier by nature, Leanne feared big dogs, high places, and losing
weight. She didn’t like to lose control. She was unwilling to go on
walks or hikes by herself and was concerned that she might fail in
school even though she was a good student. “I worry about anything,
even whether the sky will turn blue.” Leanne dreamed about being chased
or driving too fast and the brakes failing, of a plane crashing, or
about being a bug on a wall.
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